Current:Home > ScamsDear Life Kit: My group chat is toxic-DB Wealth Institute B2 Expert Reviews
Dear Life Kit: My group chat is toxic
View Date:2024-12-23 21:52:58
Need some really good advice? Look no further than Dear Life Kit. In each episode, we pose one of your most pressing questions to an expert. This question was answered by John Paul Brammer, an essayist and illustrator, and the man behind the advice column ¡Hola Papi! This conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
Dear Life Kit,
In college, I became close with a diverse friend group. Years later, we still stay in touch via text. A couple of people are very opinionated and rely on our group to manage their anxiety in toxic ways. The norm in the group is to reassure whoever is most upset, even when that person is wrong.
For example, one of my friends recently got into trouble at work. Most of the group reassured them that they did nothing wrong. I pushed back and said they made a serious lapse and to change their behavior. But others said I was wrong to make our friend feel bad.
Another example: one friend admitted to bullying another over a movie opinion. The group then sided with the bully because they thought the victim should keep the peace.
I'm not the only one frustrated by this, but I'm worried any attempt to discuss the issues will bring down the entire house of cards. Is there a way to salvage this? — Friends or foes
Group chat dynamics are very interesting. Each group chat has its own personality. It decides what its flavor is and what its vibe is. And just because you enjoy each friend one-on-one – they're kind, they're lovely, et cetera – it doesn't mean that engaging with all of them together is a great idea.
I'm a big believer that we need backstage areas. We all need those spaces where we can take our masks off a little bit, chill out with each other and speak honestly and openly. We're not supposed to be 100 percent consistent between what we announce to the world and who we are among people we trust.
In certain situations, even if I thought my friend was wrong, I would think, "This group chat is here to build each other up, to make each other feel better. They already feel like they messed up, and they don't need [to feel] that here."
But, if I felt like this friend was just seeking ways to validate their poor behavior, I would speak up and say, "Actually, I think you might be wrong." If you're among friends, that's something you should be able to get away with.
But when the group openly admits to bullying each other, you might have a little toxicity on your hands. Because if you're sitting there monitoring yourself like, "Oh man, I hope my group chat doesn't disapprove of what I did today," I think you have a problem.
You come off as afraid, which tells me that maybe your group chat has worn out its welcome. Read the room and identify one or two people you're closest with and then express the sentiment to them and see what they think about it. Sometimes other people do quietly believe the same thing. And then you can decide, do you want to get together and try to address this?
But I will add, I've never seen a group chat rehabilitate itself. It's hard to suddenly vibe shift into a healthy space.
Knowing when to let something go is tough because friendships are so precious. But if you find yourself shrinking to accommodate this group or muting yourself just to keep this group going, then you need to break away. And you should feel confident doing that because you're not being yourself. And there's no point in friendships where you're not comfortable being yourself.
Listen to John Paul Brammer's full response in the audio at the top of the page or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
Have a question for Dear Life Kit? Share it anonymously here.
Dear Life Kit is hosted by Andee Tagle and produced by Beck Harlan and Sylvie Douglis. Bronson Arcuri is the managing producer, and Meghan Keane is the supervising editor. Alicia Zheng and Kaz Fantone produce the Dear Life Kit video series for Instagram.
Love Dear Life Kit? You can catch us on NPR's Instagram in a weekly reel.
veryGood! (93848)
Related
- 'Cowboy Carter' collaborators to be first country artists to perform at Rolling Loud
- RSV antibody shot for babies hits obstacles in rollout: As pediatricians, we're angry
- Grand National to reduce number of horses to 34 and soften fences in bid to make famous race safer
- How long should you bake that potato? Here's how long it takes in oven, air fryer and more
- California voters reject proposed ban on forced prison labor in any form
- Nets coach Vaughn says team from Israel wants to play exhibition game Thursday despite war at home
- Chrishell Stause Is Confronted By Jason Oppenheim's Girlfriend in Selling Sunset Season 7 Trailer
- Israeli woman learned of grandmother's killing on Facebook – after militant uploaded a video of her body
- Historian Doris Kearns Goodwin to kick off fundraising effort for Ohio women’s suffrage monument
- US arranging evacuation flights for Americans who want to leave Israel as war with Hamas rages
Ranking
- Republican Dan Newhouse wins reelection to US House in Washington
- The Masked Singer: Why The Pickle Cussed Out the Judges After Unmasking
- Israel kibbutz the scene of a Hamas massacre, first responders say: The depravity of it is haunting
- Kansas basketball coach Bill Self won't face additional penalties from infractions case
- Shaboozey to headline halftime show of Lions-Bears game on Thanksgiving
- More Americans support striking auto workers than car companies, AP-NORC poll shows
- Nearly 40 years since she barreled into history, America still loves Mary Lou Retton
- The US government sanctions two shipping companies for violating the Russian oil price cap
Recommendation
-
'Survivor' 47, Episode 9: Jeff Probst gave players another shocking twist. Who went home?
-
Federal judge won’t block suspension of right to carry guns in some New Mexico parks, playgrounds
-
NATO will hold a major nuclear exercise next week as Russia plans to pull out of a test ban treaty
-
Family Dollar offering refunds after recalling hundreds of consumer products
-
Jon Gruden joins Barstool Sports three years after email scandal with NFL
-
California governor signs 2 major proposals for mental health reform to go before voters in 2024
-
Former USWNT stars Harris, Krieger divorcing after four years of marriage, per reports
-
Best horror books to read this spooky season: 10 page-turners to scare your socks off